The Mrs. was reading me a Parent’s Magazine article on helping toddlers deal with their emotions when language is still difficult for them. They recommended trying to verbalize what the toddler is feeling, so they know you understand:

“I know you want another cookie, and that you are upset. But it’s time for dinner”

But what I took away from the discussion wasn’t that simple and helpful tip (we’ve used it several times now to great effect). What I realized was that how my toddler feels and how he reacts are separate. Related, but separate. Maybe this seems obvious spelled out, but this realization really changed how I deal with my own emotions, and others’.

See, I was raised in the 70’s by sensitive, compassionate people. Hippies, really. Unlike previous generations, my parents allowed me to express my emotions. Some might say indulge; I don’t know. But I definitely grew up with no delineation between what I felt and how I expressed that feeling. Ok, I probably had some delineation. But not much. Definitely not a sense that I had much control over my expression of emotions.

Not to say that I’m a basket case. Experience and consequences over the years trained me to tone it down, bottle it up, or shunt it aside. But it was always only a semi-conscious gut-reaction. It was not a decision on my conscious, rational self.

This week, when my toddler son was escalating from crying to screaming, I looked at him and calmly said:

“You are over-reacting. I know you are upset. I know you want the truck. But you don’t need to scream. Mommy and Daddy understand that you’re mad. Calm down please.”

Whether he understands all the words yet or not isn’t important. What’s important is that I know he can make a choice, and I can guide him in knowing when, and how it is appropriate to express himself. What’s important is now, I know I have that choice too.

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